I'm At THAT Point

I got to a point where I just knew I had to choose to be happy or I would lose my shit, and I was tired of losing my shit.

That’s where I am today...and it takes work.

The shifts in my soul are fierce and beautiful. I can breathe with much more ease, and I see love in everything. I wasn’t always this way, and it used to take much less effort. My days are focused on how I can be productive and feel calm at the same time. I need both. Body movement is essential, and so is being in nature. So is water and coffee.

I love my life. Just as it currently is. Why did it take me so long to feel this way? Society? Family? Stories I told myself growing up? Why do we do this? I think a big part of it is that I have gotten pretty much everything I’ve wanted in life. Privilege is a large part of this, and so is my effort I put into things. I’ve gotten jobs, partners, and even basic things because of this. For some reason, a baby has been a big ask.

And I can still imagine that life. 

For now, this is enough...Enough to keep an honest smile on my face. I stress the word honest because, for some time, I had to force it. This light and full feeling is enough to let me sleep soundly at night. It allows me to soak up the moments I catch my husband smiling at me and for me to love me for who I truly am. All we have is this moment, and this moment is pure magic.

Please don’t think I am some enlightened person who doesn’t love an impulse buy our cries after holding babies… That is VERY me. In these moments of what we can look at as “not so good,” I can still see the authenticity and still love it all.  We get this one life, and I want to know that no matter what, I loved. I loved every bit I could.

Becoming a parent is often described as loving like you never have before. I can see that. I can still want that. And all the while, I can be exploring new aspects of myself as I encounter each day. I am currently experiencing love for the universe that a mother may not get to feel. For example, being in my late thirties, after seven years of trying for a baby, and going through the days with true love is something many may not experience at all. 

Sometimes when the evening light shines into our home, it catches the disco ball for a sparkly show. I live for this moment. It’s so tiny but means so much to me. It means that it’s summer as the sun only hits this part of the window during the warmer months. It usually means my husband and I are lounging on the couch, maybe with the dogs between us. This time of day is after dinner, so my belly is happy, and I am most likely eating a frozen peanut butter cup from the freezer. If the air conditioning is on, the disco ball is swaying slightly, and the light dances across the ceiling. All of this happens on the bay windowsill filled with the happiest plants in the house. I love everything about this moment. 

Initially, I purchased the disco ball for our little one’s nursery. I am pretty confident I was pregnant with Clementine and had started buying baby things. After she died, I left it in the nursery for a long time. I left everything in there. I would still go in there, and I made a point to do it. I wanted to face that pain with everything I had in me. One morning I was meditating in the nursery, and it happened to be at the right time for the sun to catch the disco ball on the floor. I decided it was time to see this light as much as possible. I love good lighting. I pulled it out and hung it where I would see it every day. Bringing bits of the nursery out into the open brought bits of the pain with it… but mostly, it brought the light. And that was what I was looking for.

And that’s what I currently have.