Getting Help With Fertility

Getting help with fertility took me much longer than I would like to admit. There was a lot of comparison and shame involved that I had to work through before I was able to reach out… because reaching out meant that there was actually a problem. 

We tried naturally for four years. This meant trying ALL of the things. First, it was just fun to have sex a lot… and then it wasn’t. It became timed, forced, and prescribed. Then acupuncture, ovulation kits, herbs, temperature taking, books, special diets, mystical mediums, working out, not working out, reiki, Bowen work, crystals, vacations, fertility yoga, essential oils, therapy, natural healers, prayer, standing on my head after sex, manifestation, pre-seed… we tried anything and everything. 

Trying for a baby consumed my entire life and was literally all I thought about. I developed anxiety and depression. I started having panic attacks and drinking myself into blackouts. I didn’t like the way I was feeling but felt like I was trying literally everything I could to change it. I thought having a baby would take all of this pain away and was the answer to all of my problems.

Before we saw the doctor, I put the issues on myself. I knew it was my body that the problem would be with. This made me not want to get any tests done. These were some extremely heavy emotions I was dealing with and was contributing to my depression. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to be, and that was the real reason I was struggling. 

I had to let go of the life I thought I was going to live.

I didn’t want to be the woman who couldn’t have a baby.

I joined a women’s group that ended up changing the course of my life. It became clear that I needed to be happy where I currently was… not waiting for the next part of my life to start. To accomplish this I started to create goals that were not related to fertility and started to actually feel successful in life. It took about a year or so, but things started to drastically change. I let go of some toxic people I was holding on to, I stopped trying the “next thing” to get pregnant and I started to have fun again. 

This new version of myself gave me the courage to tell our doctor what was happening.

When my gynecologist found out how long we had been trying to conceive she immediately sent us to a clinic. It was so fast that all of my nervous feelings came back up again… but this time I had much better tools to deal with these emotions. I had built a foundation for myself where I was OK with whatever may happen in the future.  We started testing right away and were able to choose a path to move forward with. 

Being a person that likes to plan, this was difficult. Of course, you never truly know what your life is going to be like… but you can sure try to make those plans! And most of my life’s plans had worked out: Graduate college, get my teaching credential, start teaching, get married, buy a home, get a couple of dogs, travel… these were all going very well. It felt like the next steps for a baby would go well, too. 

After testing we found out that my husband has a low sperm count. The fertility clinic said we were great candidates for IVF and we started the process. I remember my husband asking, “Do you feel better knowing that the issue isn’t with you?” And honestly, it just felt like we had an answer to something we both wanted. It still felt like it was my issue and I still wanted a baby with this man. If he had an issue then so did I.  Together we were able to continue on our journey, and are still doing so.

Since getting tested we’ve been inching forward towards a baby. First, we had a miscarriage, then delivered our daughter Clementine stillborn, and now onto surrogacy. You can read more about my experience with those by checking out my previous posts on them here: Miscarriage, Stillborn, Surrogacy.

If you think you may need help in the area of fertility issues, bring it up with your doctor. We are fortunate to have a great relationship with our medical providers and there is open communication. Initially, I did not have that relationship and changed to someone that I feel comfortable with. Finding answers sooner means getting on the pathway specifically for you sooner. Which could lead to a baby sooner. 

Be gentle with yourself as you travel down this road. It isn’t easy, but you are so much stronger than you think. Continue to love yourself through all of it, good and bad. Know every single emotion you are dealing with is completely valid. 

Here is a link to some simple ways to get started with asking for help. 

Your future self thanks you.