5 Valid Feelings With Infertility
Infertility sucks.
It’s that simple.
There are many things you can learn, say, and do about it, but it comes down to the fact that it just sucks.
So many underlining issues that come up as you work through fertility. If you have any sort of insecurity or problem that technically has nothing to do with infertility, get ready, as it will show up. And it will become more significant and even more challenging to deal with than before. I think this happens with almost any major challenge in our lives, but infertility will undoubtedly shine a light on any problem you have.
Therapy has, is, and will be a go-to for me. It is a significant reason I am the person I am today, and I know that I wouldn’t be here without the amazing women that have helped me be okay with who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. If you are thinking about therapy, just do it. Even if you’re in a good space, it’s nice to have the resource if and when you will need it.
While trying to have a baby, so many different feelings have gutted me. I think these emotions are pretty common and are honestly sort of interchangeable. They can flow into other areas of life and each other. It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with these emotions and learn to work with them and not against them. Many of these feelings are referred to as “bad,” but they are simply a part of being human.
All emotions are valid.
Every single one of them.
Here are five of mine that I have had to work through and with on my journey. These will be things that I may always have to work on, and coming to that realization has made the self work much more comfortable to bear.
1. Jealousy & Envy-
These were honestly the hardest ones for me. I was definitely under the impression that these are not good things to have, feel, or even discuss. Comparison is shit… but for me, it has been a massive part of infertility. It’s quite challenging to feel the “Happy for you, sad for me” thing. It’s a bit easier as time goes on, but honestly, ALWAYS still stings.
Jealousy and envy are pretty much inevitable in this area of life. Your friends and family start to have kids, and traditionally you’re expected to be elated for them. Having kids is one of the “steps” in life, right? While this stage of life is celebrated, our aching heart is not supposed to be heard, seen, or discussed. Motherhood feels like this exclusive club I just can’t get into! Many others get to live this life… why can’t I? Especially after all that I’ve done trying to become a mother. I have spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom and then pulling myself together so others wouldn’t see me having all of these emotions. Those that don’t know this pain never want to see this, but it is part and parcel of struggling with infertility.
What I Have Done To Work Through These:
First and foremost, just knowing that you are still a good person while having these feelings is essential. I had a ton of guilt on top of my already bruised heart because of these heavy feelings. Although these are generally frowned upon, you will actually get through them (for the time being) faster by acknowledging them. Figure out a way to protect your heart: arriving late to baby showers and leaving early, skipping baby showers altogether, sharing that you feel that way with someone who gets it (you can ALWAYS contact me!), doing your very best to not judge yourself for feeling this way, writing out all of the things you think and burn it. Find a way that works for you!
2. Sadness/ Hopelessness-
For me, these build off of jealousy and envy and often go hand in hand. Sadness and hopelessness are like the hangovers from jealousy and envy. Pain like this shows up in cycles… like the monthly reminder that lets us know we aren’t pregnant… and then leaves you on the bathroom floor crying.
It’s exhausting, every single month, over and over again. Never seeing a positive test result, or continuing to lose the baby… in the bathroom again. Being around kids can also bring this up. When I was working as a teacher, it wasn’t too bad as it was my job before trying for a family, but outside that, it was usually shit. Birthday parties, kids hugging their moms, all of it just breaks my heart.
What I Have Done To Work Through These:
Again, ACKNOWLEDGE these feelings. Don’t shove them down. Something that has worked for me was taking stock in what I already have going for myself… especially the kid-free things. For example, we travel a lot. And yes, you can travel with kids, but we all know its more manageable without them. I also love sleeping in late, buying whatever I want, and not worrying about someone else. This helps me love where I am currently on my journey.
3. Broken/Not Worthy-
These are incredibly similar to sadness and hopelessness, but just a few more names to identify the shitty things we are feeling. An uncomfortable feeling that was hard to be okay with was about not genuinely feeling like a woman. I acknowledge (wholeheartedly) that having a baby does not make you a woman, but let’s be honest… they are connected. There is a natural part of this journey that we can feel about having children. Not everyone feels it, but I guess that if you’re reading this, you feel it. I sometimes feel like I’m not a worthy woman. It feels icky just typing that, but completely real. It’s like something in our bodies are broken… and that sucks.
What I Have Done To Work Through These:
These are tricky to identify and then work through as these are often very deep inside of us. I would even venture out to say these are the actual emotions taking place but usually show up as the other feelings I have listed. Things that have helped me with this vary but here are some that pop up right now are: daily affirmations, having a supportive circle of friends and family, following others on social media that lift me up, posting positive quotes on my bathroom mirror that I read daily, and doing things that make me love myself more. Know that you are your harshest critic and begin to speak to yourself positively,
4. Being Alone-
This feeling comes along with comparing myself to others. It’s the whole club idea of motherhood. For me, this had a lot to do with me looking outward rather than inward. Easier said than done because we are always looking, listening, and talking to each other. And when many others are getting the life you want to live, you start to feel left out… Especially when our friends and family are too busy with their kids to hang out. I completely understand that kids take a ton of time, they are supposed to, but then that also leaves me out, and that never feels good.
What I Have Done To Work Through This:
This one takes a lot of practice. I had to look deeper than merely the lonely feeling and see what that meant to me. I felt excluded, and honestly, I have had an issue with that specific emotion since I was a child myself. FOMO is real, but the bigger question is: Why are you feeling this way? A HUGE help with this for me was finding other childless friends. Hanging out with new people meant that I had to put myself out there, though, and that is always scary. Making friends as an adult is tough… it’s like dating, but not. I did this and made a best friend! It wasn’t easy at first, but once I found my friend Jenny, I was like, “Oh, there you are! I’ve been looking for you!”
Another big help in this area was sharing my story and finding others like me. Once I connected (mainly on Instagram) with so many other women, I found a new community that GETS IT! It is still an excellent place for me to connect today. I was no longer suffering in silence; I met people (in real life) for coffee and drinks and finding this community changed my life.
5. Inappropriate Humor-
So this is a coping mechanism in itself, but I have been judged for it, so I address it. There are many times I see happy parents with their kids, and I think, “Fuck them.” It’s not fair, I know, but it’s REAL! I also know that parents are not always happy… but I want to be in that position. I remember when my husband finally got to this point, and I thought, “Oh, yes! Welcome to the party!”
Look, we have to survive. That response changes from time to time, but overall we will need to do what makes us feel the best. We also smile when we see a kid being a real dick to their family as well. Not the best reaction, but does it ever feel good sometimes knowing that our glasses of champagne are not being interrupted by a screaming child. And yes, I still want that screaming child… but we will take a win where we need them.
These are just some of the numerous ways we can feel while trying to conceive. It can be such a difficult time, but please know that all of your emotions are entirely VALID. If you ever think, like even for a second, that they are not, save this post and reread it. Your feelings will fit in here somewhere.
You are not alone in this.