Miscarriage After IVF
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Photo by Ashton Bingham on Unsplash
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Miscarriage After IVF
After finding out our baby had a low heartbeat I think I knew this pregnancy wouldn’t last. It was just a feeling, but I knew it. With our next checkup it was confirmed that the heart rate continued to drop, and at the most recent visit there was no talk of a heartbeat at all.
The initial shock was the first visit and I think that was where we dealt with the hardest emotions. It was the day before my first day of school and my husband was planning on leaving for a 5 day vacation with friends. That morning before school I was a wreck. I was trying my hardest to be strong but couldn’t even look at my husband. I never asked him to stay as I wanted him to go and enjoy himself, but I had no idea how to handle these emotions. After school I just got in my car and cried immediately. I pulled into my driveway and sat in the car having a panic attack. I just knew. When I walked inside there was my husband ready with open arms to hug me. I couldn’t even stand as my heart filled with relief. He joked that he couldn’t leave me to cry on the floor with the dogs… which is exactly where I would have been.
The next few days I was able to not dwell on the dark thoughts during time in my classroom, but at home I was full of tears and heartache. I think it was a good mix of dealing and getting a productive distraction. But those first days were hard.
I started to tell everyone, and this honestly helped me so much. Many came to me to tell me their story and how they went through something similar. It was beyond refreshing hearing that again, I was not alone in this. It reminded me of when I first shared that we were struggling to conceive. So many others felt the same way and I just never knew. Continuing to talk about it made it real and much easier to deal with. If others knew it became less isolating and not so shameful. I had always thought that if I were in this situation I would share it, but you truly never know until you are actually living it. It started to feel like if I told someone it was if they then became part of my support team, and I love having a support team. I also was grateful that when I was sad others knew why and would usually simply hug me. It was an unspoken comfort.
When the second ultrasound confirmed my feelings we were ready to think about the next step. Our doctors were extremely kind and positive. They reassured us that this is common and we would be parents. We even laughed in the room as we discussed our next steps. And at the third ultrasound the discussion of what to expect from the miscarriage was the main topic.
Since there was no chance of life we opted for the pill to help the miscarriage along. I like to think that since this baby already chose not to stay with us we were helping her find her way to the family she did need to be with. We met the doctor on a Friday and that night we had the pills to proceed.
Preparing for this moment my husband had set me up with many comforts. A delicious dinner before, a clean and comfy bed, many beverages and a Broad City marathon ready to go. I wasn’t sure if I should begin at night or wait for the next day. I decided to take it as soon as possible to get to the next chapter faster. I was nervous and simply wanted to get it over with.
At about 1am it all started to happen. The pain was much more intense than I expected. Maybe it had to do with me not having a period for two months, the fact that I did not take the stronger pain pills or just that I was actually miscarrying our first pregnancy. There were a lot of raw and open moments taking place.
As the cramping started I embraced it with a heating pad and laughs from my current favorite show. When the cramps turned into pain I took the extra strength ibuprofen prescribed. Then the expected diarrhea hit. This was much more intense than the internet lead me to believe. I will say, having a bidet truly helped in this situation. This went on for about 4 hours. Throughout this time I became extremely nauseous and this did not go away. I was also prescribed hydrocodone for the pain, but I knew it was too late. This drug always makes me vomit and since I already felt like that was going to happen I decided not to encourage anything else to exit my body. My body temperature dropped quite a bit and I needed blankets. I also shook uncontrollably. This was the most frightening but after a quick google search I realized is quite common.
For the next 4 hours I attempted to meditate through the pain and distract myself. I learned that I am in need of practice in this area. I had a difficult time and would cry out, “How will I ever give birth?” My husband reminded me that birth will have a happier outcome, but honestly I am still wondering. I was able to sleep in 30 minute segments and then would awake in pain. I was thankful it was deep in the night as the house and world was quiet. I created an environment with very low lighting that made everything feel softer. I did not want sunlight creeping in to remind me of the world outside. I wanted to be as present as possible with little to no distractions.
I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for those who do not know that it is coming. Having the knowledge and timing control really made this easier on my emotions. We dealt with the heavier side of our concerns earlier when we first learned about the low heart rate. We cried, ate, wrote, slept, talked, and held each other for weeks before this actual transition. To have the experience of all of that with the actual pain of the miscarriage seems unreal.
Currently, I am still bleeding but with much, much less pain. We now wait until my next period and start again. We are taking the next steps with more knowledge than before and using that to guide us. Although we would never wish this to happen, it has and it is creating a closer bond between us as well as our future baby.
As we continue to be open with our journey, more and more are sharing theirs with us. I cannot express how much of a gift that has been. First off, I never knew so many needed help in fertility and second, to find out how many have miscarried was shocking. But all of these connections are becoming the building blocks of who we are. We are not the first to encounter these parts of life but rather becoming a part of a greater whole we never knew existed.
I am not shameful for what took place. I trust that my body is doing exactly what it needs. A friend told me, “This is a rehearsal.” I am holding onto that and repeating it often. We did nothing wrong. I hope that when others hear my story they feel connected to me. Even if you have never dealt with this personally I guarantee you know someone who has.
To those of you who have encountered a miscarriage I literally bow down to you. I never knew the extent of the physical pain. Many said, “It is like a heavy period.” I have never had a period like that before, ever. I send you so much honor as this is a part of being a woman I was completely unaware of, emotionally and physically. We are true warriors who are bleeding for life. If you are choosing not to share your story, it is yours to keep safe. If you are choosing to share, it is yours to gift. Either way, it is our pathway to who we are becoming. This is something that changes us forever and teaches us along the way. I celebrate who you are and pay tribute to your little
one. Your pain is seen and respected.