Mindful IVF

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Photo by Emily KenCairn of Apiary Studio on Unsplash

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Photo by Christopher Burns on Unsplash

When you have been trying and waiting for something for over four years it is safe to say that you feel crazy. As I wrote about in my last blog post, I do feel happy, overall, but I have to work on it. After finding and falling in love with meditation and being mindful I knew I was onto something life changing.

Working on trying to have a baby is fun in the beginning. “Trying is the best part!” Until it wasn't.

Things started to feel unpleasant and took a toll. Peeing on numerous and expensive sticks each month, and then counting nine months out each time we “made love” became exhausting. I use quotes on “made love” as I will be the first to admit that a lot of those times were closer to a routine than something lovely. Just now I am starting to feel like we are actually enjoying ourselves in the bedroom again. The fun was there but not in a way that felt as connected.

When we first started IVF I was full of excitement. With our second round coming I am reminded of those similar emotions. We approached each appointment with curiosity and wonder. We tried to listen and take it all in with ambition and confidence. Starting IVF gave us this backup plan that has relieved quite a bit of stress. We can be in the moment when we are intimate again. We are doing this now because we simply love each other. Although we are aware that IVF may not work it is giving us time to simply be.

Infertility has brought many dark things into light. I am now much more likely to search for the beauty in something bad. I think that I did this before but with infertility there are more bad times than expected so I am getting more practice. Forgiveness has been quite a big one for me. I have forgiven my body in many ways, and honestly I still work on this daily. I have released the idea that my body needs to be “fixed.” My body is doing exactly what it needs to be doing. After all of the meds, hormones and pregnancy, I gained weight. Buying new clothes when I was pregnant was quite fun and exciting but after my miscarriage it was depressing and something I despised. Today I feel like my body is in a good place, tomorrow that is not guaranteed. But no matter what, I will keep coming back to giving myself grace for where I am at the moment.

In addition to forgiving myself I had to work on forgiving others. I am reminding myself that friends who either could not be there for me, especially in the beginning, or those giving advice were doing the best that they could. Forgiving people who gave me advice was difficult. Initially I wanted to hear what people had to say but after trying all of the ideas I was over it. It became especially difficult when you would hear the same ones repeatedly. Now, I usually tune them out and take a few deep breaths. I like to think that this person may also be fighting an internal battle. Maybe telling me their ideas will actually make them feel better. This does not always happen, but practicing it over and over helps.

Taking time for myself has truly changed my perspective. I am much more aware of boundaries I need to enforce. I used to not want to miss out on anything, and staying in and relaxing sounds like a dream. I actually did feel as though I may have stayed in too much at one point. Currently, I am focusing on a balance of this. I am choosing to do things with people that really matter and situations that will have a lasting and positive effect. For example, I went to a three day music festival pregnant, sober and loved it. I didn’t even know many of the bands but knew I would enjoy myself. After my miscarriage, I also went out to a concert, got quite tipsy and all on a school night. At this concert I literally cried tears of joy. These are moments I will keep close as they fill me with joy… but maybe while I am in bed in a Friday night.

Time has become precious. I feel the ticking clock. So many doctor appointments and long drives to get there. Seeing friends have babies who started trying after you. Seeing your parents grow older and thinking about if they will get to be grandparents. Turning a year older and realizing that your hopeful pregnancy will now be called called “geriatric.” Thinking about all of it is altogether overwhelming. This is where my panic attacks started to come in waves. I was running out of time. Technically this is true, and yet if you mindfully consider a few things it can ease the commotion. All of these things that are time based , but you are also here, now, to experience the time passing. It will pass no matter what, pregnant or not, time is moving forward. I want to use that time to my best ability. Whether that may be crying seeing a baby or  taking that moment and honoring the fact that I cried. I am not trying to take anything away from what we all go through, but rather celebrate in the fact that we went through something. I am still going through this. And when I get pregnant and deliver a full term baby I will continue to go through it. I just hope I can give myself the grace needed to enjoy life.

I have to practice every day.

After all of these years dealing with these emotions I am coming to the realization that nothing is amiss with how I am feeling. There are no wrong emotions. We all deal with these things in our  own ways and currently focusing on mindfulness is mine. Since we have been through one round of IVF we have a better idea of what is ahead of us. We are approaching this with hope, patience and bit if experience. It still takes practice though.