When Your Friends Get Pregnant
Photo by Edu Grande on Unsplash
Photo by Nicholas Gercken on Unsplash
Trying to make a family for about four and half years pushes you into uncharted territories. When friends share their news that they are expecting it can be difficult. I have experienced both positive and negative aspects of this.
In the beginning it was extremely painful. Like heart wrenching, vomiting, hateful painful. I lost friends because I was unable to set boundaries for what I needed. When they told me my heart would sink into my chest and suffocate my entire being. The saying “Happy for you and sad for me.” could not have been more true. These conflicting emotions shocked me into my depression as I felt the conflicting emotions.
If you have never experienced the wait, then you simply don’t know. I have been told, “She is a new mother, so things are different for her now.” Yes, of course that is true. But what about the women who have tried for several years to get to that position? Some of us are still waiting. Things are different for us as well. We look at the world differently, too. Our views are not as socially acceptable though, so often we don’t get to share anything.
I should be over the moon for my friends. I should have loving feelings and not jealousy. I should honor where they are. And yet, there I was, grieving a life I wanted and have been fighting for. It was unfair. It still is.
Things are now often better, but not always. I have learned to establish boundaries. Although I share my story openly I feel as though there are only a few who really understand where I am at in life. If you do not know me inside and out I may skip your baby shower. If your party has lots of little ones running around I might not come. If you ask to hand me your baby I most likely will decline. All of these happen quite often. I used to feel bad about these actions, but now I am much more confident in my ability to be authentic. I am the only one who knows what is best for me. At the end of the day I am the one who is alone in the silence of my own mind and I want that time to be calm.
I have learned so much throughout these past 4.5 years of trying. One of the main things is that we simply do not know what battles other people are fighting. Sure, your friend may have been on birth control and is now pregnant, but she has demons that keep her up. We all have our own demons to deal with. When I hid our fertility issues I would despise anytime someone asked me about kids. Now I am open about where we are and I tell them the truth. It often makes people feel uncomfortable, but you asked so here it is.
Recently a friend of mine revealed to me that she is expecting. She delivered the news is such a beautiful manner that I knew I had to write about it. She hugged me (multiple times), told me how much she loved me, gave me permission to hate her (obviously I could never!), and literally said, “I validate whatever feelings you have.” Now, I know not everyone can deliver news with such greatness, but it was the best way I had ever experienced this.
One of the best things about this unique interaction is that she honored the both of us in this moment. Somehow, she made it OK. She also never apologized (which I love!) and made me feel relevant. This woman is undoubtedly amazing for multiple reasons and this simply adds to the list.
I think this situation has lifted me up because she and I have become extremely close on an emotional level. We have shared things we don't share with everyone and it has bonded us for life. These relationships do not come around often are nurtured by both parties involved. Since this doesn't happen often it also justifies why so many of these moments can be difficult. She knew I would be sad, but she honored that.
When friends tell you that they are pregnant it can be tough. You can say “Congratulations!” and if need be you can leave as soon as possible. You only need to keep your game face for so long. If you had a situation where you can freely talk then by all means do so, but knowing from experience this does not happen often. Find a way to release what is inside. Cry, scream, beat a pillow (one of my favorites), have a drink, go for a run, buy something for yourself (another go to for me), but do something to make you feel better. Do something for yourself.
When this friend told me I went home and told my husband. I cried for just a bit and honestly felt happy for her. This is a new feeling for me and I wasn't quite sure what to do with it, which lead me to writing. This helped me get it out all out, and I surprisingly saw that I was OK. Writing is something I do that is only for me. You know the things that you like, and if you don’t, try some new things to figure this out. Find the things that make you feel good and do them, especially when things are difficult.
It can be hard to be happy for others when they have something that you want, and that feeling is OK. You may need to limit yourself from these people. You may need to skip the events you don’t feel comfortable at. Be there for yourself. Love yourself for whatever you are feeling. These feelings are valid. Most of all, know that you are not alone with these emotions. If you are trying to conceive find others that have your back and support you know matter what. Give yourself grace.