Holiday Wishes

Photo by Fabian Blank on Unsplash

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Photo by Leah Montz

With the holidays already here, emotions have arrived as well. Recently, there have been numerous moments where all I can see, think, hear and feel is the space of something missing. There is a hole craving to be filled in my heart. I can picture a baby in our lives during routine moments and imagine how the situation will be different. I can get caught up in these ideas and let them run.

This is me allowing myself to hope. Nothing is wrong with hope, in fact it is something I value. The problem I am seeing is that I am not taking in what I already have. Living the journey of fertility can leave you aching for something that is not the present moment. So many things in life can do this. We are bombarded by the notion of not having enough by all corners of our life. This has become a heavy burden for me and I see it taking a toll… specifically on my bank account.

I have come to the realization that I am trying to fill this hole with “things.” I have usually been the one who spends more money in the relationship, but now the question I am asking myself is, “Why are you buying these things?” This is not to say that when Baby Hauskens arrives I will be stopping, I just wonder what it will change inside of me. Will it? Deep down I know that this is something only I can change, baby or not.

Of course I deserve that dress! I just held a baby that made my heart ache. Oh, a trip to the coast would be fun! I just got my period and need to relax. With the ups and downs that life hands us we must learn to keep a steady pace. It is a constant battle that I feel like I am losing.

As I write this at 3 am (true story) it all feels so attainable. But I know that when the sun comes up, the radio is turned on, and I am checking my emails I am going to be tempted. Tempted to buy many things to fill this hole. Oh… and ps… I have A LOT of things already!

So, what is there to do? Personally, I am going to practice loving myself. I have to practice giving myself grace. With or without a baby I am worthy.

The holidays, at least the current ones, are showing to be more difficult than the past. There are moments where I envision an alternate life that I could/should be living. But THIS is my life. This is what is happening. And it is a beautiful life… sometimes we all need some reminders.

This year, my holiday wishes are for us all to find greatness in the small moments. When we are chatting with a family member who is discussing something terrible, recall a fond memory you have of this person and be grateful they are still here. When you see a jacket that you really want, be grateful that you are able to keep warm (without the jacket) when many are not. When you are stuck in traffic to get to a place you may not want to even be at, think of how amazing it is to be in a vehicle. When you feel the emptiness life can bring, please know that you are enough.