Living a Childfree Life Full of Love
Recently, I was asked how I live a full life without children. While it might feel like a simple question, living it feels like an act of rebellion. I get asked something like this more than I thought I would: Why do you journal if no one will ever read it? What will you do with your custom home pieces after you die? What do you do with your free time? Often, being told to “Leave things behind for someone” or “Fill your time with something productive” makes some feelings come up. Thinking in this manner only values certain types of life… a life is complete when you have a partner and kids; if you don’t, you’re lacking. Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old? You must be lonely. Are you bored all of the time? The responses are endless and cut deep. Living in a way that isn’t the norm will cause people to question their values and then turn their insecurities back on to you.
When we first decided to stop trying to have kids, it was devastating. The grief was overwhelming, and I was scared. I’m decisive, though, so making the decision meant I meant it. I was DONE and ready to start making new goals. And once the decision was settled, I immediately saw new opportunities. Unfamiliar feelings of happiness came to fruition, and I felt like an up-to-date version of myself. I want to stress it wasn’t easy by any means. I’d been working with a therapist for years, and while there was an undeniable feeling of gratitude, I had been working to get there. Possibilities are always around us; we just have to be open to seeing them. I heard, “Don’t give up.” “But you’d be such a great parent.” “You’ve tried for so long, how can you stop now?” and then the, “What will you do with your life without kids?” - This one became my favorite. A smile spreads across my face when asked… because, boy oh boy, do I have so many ideas about what to do with my time. I can honestly say it's a fascinating change. I love to explore, especially after living with one goal for eight years.
Working with grief was an essential part of this transition. I did very well with having small, gentle goals that could be accomplished quickly. Approaching a new, softer way of living helped me see progress and showed me that it can be done. Achieving something I put my mind to had become foreign, and I genuinely forgot what it felt like to have a win in life. Trying to become a parent made me think I couldn’t succeed anymore. To combat this, I chose things that had a starting and stopping point. Initially, I needed something I could do in a day or even an hour. Starting small helped me get back to the bigger goals. My favorite was cooking a new recipe, learning embroidery, and covering anything I could in disco tiles. Then, I started with the bigger goals: traveling for a month, saving for a beach house, and planning monthly dinner parties. These projects took time and showed me I could still accomplish things I put my mind to. It sounds so simple because it is.
Working on tangible things to see my progress was the best way to start. If I couldn’t make a baby, I could cook a delicious meal for friends. Finding new ways to show love and share life experiences proved I could still have a life full of love. And, of course, I could. But it’s scary hearing, “You'll never know true love until you have a child.” It might have been the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard. I love to love and will miss out on the greatest love of all… what am I doing with my life?
What fertile people don’t understand is that there is power, beauty, and LOVE in not being able to have children and continuing to thrive. Making our way through life and still loving ourselves after the trauma of infertility is, beyond doubt, an act of love, an act of great love. We didn’t get what we wanted, what society encourages, what our bodies were made to do, and we still love. It’s a revolutionary act to love like this.
Today, I love cooking recipes from America’s Test Kitchen and making tablescapes inspired by Don’t Cook For Cowboys. I love to go to Trader Joe’s and get new, seasonal products I’ve never had before. My book has always been on my mind, and I hope to pitch it to literary agents soon. Self-help books, celebrity memoirs, and spicy romance novels fill my days. Cult documentaries and feel-good sitcoms are always on to watch. My Etsy shop is thriving, daily dog snuggles are endless, and I’m getting better at baking sourdough bread. I’m making new friends, walking in the cold weather, and having coffee with the hummingbirds. I’m living a full life.
I live a FULL life, and I don’t have kids.